It’s not really my kind of music but, if you’ll allow me to paraphrase Linkin Park, I feel rather numb all of a sudden. I didn’t feel quite right yesterday, either. Despite fleeting episodes of high spirits, the last couple of days have drained the emotions from me.
Actually, that’s not quite true, for I had a (relatively brief) outburst this morning in which several expletives were deployed and the frustrations within me made pretty evident. That’s an example of being overcome by emotions in an emphatically negative way. I managed to calm myself down with a mug of tea - how typically British.
Triggers? Well, there are a few. This long-standing cold snap we’ve been enduring can’t end soon enough. The forecasters are, erm, forecasting altogether milder weather for next week, although we know how much meteorologists have a habit of changing their minds. I really struggle to tolerate the cold, especially this ‘extreme’ cold from the North, and yet I also hated that heatwave we had last summer. Suffice to say, I’d prefer my temperatures somewhere in the middle, kfanksbye.
I recently asked a question on one of the OCD and anxiety support groups I follow on Facebook, about whether heat and light sensitivity is a symptom of mental illness, and was surprised at how many people said it was. With climate change being not merely a threat but an ongoing reality, extreme weather events are not going anywhere, and this causes me considerable anxiety for the future (and for my wellbeing in said extreme weather events). After all, we OCD sufferers hate what we cannot control.
I’ve talked at length about how I always get triggered by Christmas, so I won’t repeat what I’ve already said, but as it gets closer (today is the 15th of December) I need to pay increasing attention to my mood. Social media is flooded with Christmas guff; if ever there was a case for throwing your smartphone into a river.
As I sit here and type these words, looking out of my study window at the hungry songbirds greedily eating the seeds and nuts scattered in the garden in an attempt to warm themselves up, I feel a sense of tranquility. I’m mindful of my surroundings, which is so important. Will that stop me from going back on social media in a moment or two to further sabotage my mental wellbeing? Of course it won’t…
Talking of things which negatively impact one’s anxiety, I had no fewer than four coffees yesterday. I guess I just felt like them. I usually have no more than 3 (regular caffeinated) mugs per day, and I can’t help but feel the extra serving may be contributing to my mood today. It affected my sleep, noticeably, hence the grogginess I felt this morning. And how did I awaken myself? With a coffee, of course. It’s a vicious circle.
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