Ugh. I’m feeling panicky right now. I can feel some tension bubbling away underneath, and I’m trying my best to remain ‘present’ and focus on my breathing. I know that I will get over this and feel better again, but the fear of it escalating into a full-blown meltdown is very real, too.
Perhaps I should take a Valium. After all, I am prescribed 15mg a day, and I haven’t taken one yet today - I haven’t felt great, but maybe I’ve been stubborn and have tried to get through the day without resorting to them. Not that there is anything wrong with popping a tranquilliser. When needed, they help greatly. But with stories and cases of people abusing them, or indeed selling them, it’s perhaps unsurprising that many doctors are unwilling to prescribe them. I never have - and never will - do either of those things.
I have had three mugs of coffee today, which is the norm for me, and although I enjoy the taste, I feel as though the positive effects of the caffeine have subsided as I have consumed more and more of the stuff. I’ve drunk coffee daily for several months now. And, of course, any drug will start to lose its power through tolerance over time.
So why don’t I switch to decaf or have a ‘day off’? Well, I think there are two factors at play here. Firstly, switching the kettle on in the morning and slurping (literally) a coffee has become habitual for me. And secondly, I am afraid of the withdrawal effects that might occur. A common symptom of (sudden) caffeine withdrawal is irritability and, living with my mum, I’d sooner just have the coffee than run the risk of getting all hostile. That’s how much I love and care about my mum.
But anxiety itself causes hostility so, by definition, surely something - in this case caffeine - which is known to increase anxiety should be avoided at all costs?
The weather has been making me unhappy. My goodness, it was wet and windy this morning. Looking out the window at the madly swaying trees and the lashing rain, it felt like I was in the middle of some kind of horror film. It felt like the end of the world was upon us.
And it’s so damn dark every day. I managed to read an article in my car magazine without the aid of an artificial light, but only just; come 3.40pm, it was already starting to drop dark and, had I wanted to carry on reading, the natural light would’ve been insufficient. Having the ‘big light’ on mid-afternoon is just all kinds of wrong.
Today’s been a bit of a struggle, then, but writing these words is helping to ground me. In addition, I haven’t consumed any alcohol for seven days, and I must say I do feel better for it. Before my last ‘sesh’, I’d already enjoyed (the operative term) a two-week abstinence, and these are achievements. What it means also, however, is that I’ve not been socialising as much as I was, and there are times when I miss seeing my friends.
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