I’ve been struggling today. I think my Covid is getting me down, even though I don’t appear to be feeling any worse than when I initially tested positive four days ago. The uncertainly surrounding such things as how long my positivity will last, whether or not I will develop long-lasting symptoms, if my symptoms will get worse etc, is playing directly into my OCD and anxiety. Because, as we know, uncertainty - or, rather, the discomfort of uncertainty - is at the heart of OCD.
The energy caused by the New Moon is palpable. It’s been making me more creative - doing more blogs, for example. I also managed to do some tidying, and threw away some old magazines from my ever-growing hoard. I am proud of myself for doing that.
However, moon phases, and particularly New and Full Moons, amplify my anxious feelings and thoughts, as well as my emotions. It is far from uncommon for me to have emotional outbursts during such periods, and although I can hardly blame a naturally occurring lunar event, and always take full accountability for my actions, it is a time for self-observation.
I have been struggling with one or two aspects of my physical health lately, likely as a result of my anxiety and depression, or possibly added to by my current caffeine fix. Having a dodgy stomach and feeling queasy is no fun, but when you have to wait around six weeks to see your local GP (who is literally just down the road), it’s a case of putting up and shutting up. Maybe when I see my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks, we’ll agree to adjust my medication as required. This might help easy my anxiety, release some serotonin-fuelled joy and - careful, now! - alleviate my physical symptoms. Because anxiety and depression have significant impacts on our bodies as well as our minds.
Today I have spent some time reading my favourite magazine and listening to some old songs from my school days, the latter bringing back happy memories. Yet because I’m not feeling myself, neither activity elicited the feelings of joy that they would normally do. Depression, eh? At least I’m doing these activities, and not just lying in bed feeling sorry for myself (not that there is anything to be ashamed about if that’s what you’re doing - rest is so important).
I’ve been learning a skill called ‘Behavioural Activation’ through an App on my smartphone. Basically, this teaches you to do activities that are either enjoyable or important and rewarding to combat depression. These activities could be familiar and ones you know give you joy, or new ones you think could prove beneficial. You begin by monitoring what activities you already do on a daily basis - big or small - and rate them in terms of how much fulfilment they gave you. Looking at the scores, therefore, you can deduce which ones are impacting your mood in a good way, and which are maybe doing more harm than good.
What worked for me? Well, watching old episodes of Top Gear proved the most enjoyable, while endlessly scrolling on my phone had the exact opposite effect. Because social media - as I have pointed out in another blog - is not reality.
Commentaires